Thoughts on being tired
I have seven-month-old twins, so I'm pretty much always tired. There are good days and bad days (good nights and bad nights), but the pinnacle of my exhaustion happened a few months ago in the middle of a family reunion that we were inexplicably hosting for my in-laws' large (8 siblings) family. I was driving myself and the twins on an errand when I fell asleep at the wheel, on a winding road with no cell service. It was a horrifying, humbling experience that shook me and made me evaluate the new level of tiredness I was operating under.
Coming home from that reunion with a slightly wrecked van and completely wrecked nerves, I thought about all the ways in which I was tired. My body was obviously tired to the point of no longer being able to safely operate. But my soul, my heart, and even my intellect were tired as well.
My soul felt depleted from too much "peopling." As an introvert, being around too many people for too long is simply exhausting. There's a level of being "on", smiling and laughing and being social that all takes energy, where I really didn't have any. If I didn't do all those things, I risked sending out signals that would be misinterpreted as unhappiness, unfriendliness, and displeasure. I was tired from the planning, the worrying over whether people would be happy, the juggling of my kids and their needs, as well as my spouse. In all the business I was lonely but didn't have time to seek out friends. I had no room for self-care.
My heart was a little bit broken down from a friendship that wasn't working. Someone I thought of as a "ride or die" turned out not to be, and that revelation stung. I had invested my heart, and I was left confused and embarrassed. I felt a little bit broken, that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me for this to have happened. I have a tendency to internalize poor treatment from others, instead of recognizing it as a defect of theirs. This left me heartsick, heart-tired, and a bit lonely and lost.
The irrational, insane political climate had me intellectually exhausted as well. When facts stopped being relevant, there was no solid ground anymore where purposeful, constructive debate could exist. People whom I love and respect supported ideologies and personalities that made no sense to me given our mutual belief in human goodness and decency. I don't expect everyone to agree with my epistemologies or ideologies and I actually believe that our differences, debated with mutual respect and a foundation in facts, make us each better-reasoned citizens. With that foundation crumbled, there is only fear of the "other," emotional rhetoric, whataboutism, and blame. None of which lead toward solutions, a growth of intellect, or insight.
All this being said, I'm not an unhappy person. I have the most supportive spouse in the history or supportive spouses who recognized my many-layered exhaustion and did his best to encourage me towards self-care. He is my staunchest ally, even when I am misunderstood or misrepresented. He provided back rubs, a sounding board, a cheering section, and a hug. I re-upped my meditation game. I let go the feelings of inadequacy and hurt, and focused on the positive relationships in my life. I made sure I didn't take any significant drives without a large, icey glass of Diet Coke. And I started writing again, to help myself make sense of the world. I believe in connection, and in the inherent goodness of people. And I believe that as with most seasons, this one will pass and someday I'll have a good night's sleep again.
Coming home from that reunion with a slightly wrecked van and completely wrecked nerves, I thought about all the ways in which I was tired. My body was obviously tired to the point of no longer being able to safely operate. But my soul, my heart, and even my intellect were tired as well.
My soul felt depleted from too much "peopling." As an introvert, being around too many people for too long is simply exhausting. There's a level of being "on", smiling and laughing and being social that all takes energy, where I really didn't have any. If I didn't do all those things, I risked sending out signals that would be misinterpreted as unhappiness, unfriendliness, and displeasure. I was tired from the planning, the worrying over whether people would be happy, the juggling of my kids and their needs, as well as my spouse. In all the business I was lonely but didn't have time to seek out friends. I had no room for self-care.
My heart was a little bit broken down from a friendship that wasn't working. Someone I thought of as a "ride or die" turned out not to be, and that revelation stung. I had invested my heart, and I was left confused and embarrassed. I felt a little bit broken, that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me for this to have happened. I have a tendency to internalize poor treatment from others, instead of recognizing it as a defect of theirs. This left me heartsick, heart-tired, and a bit lonely and lost.
The irrational, insane political climate had me intellectually exhausted as well. When facts stopped being relevant, there was no solid ground anymore where purposeful, constructive debate could exist. People whom I love and respect supported ideologies and personalities that made no sense to me given our mutual belief in human goodness and decency. I don't expect everyone to agree with my epistemologies or ideologies and I actually believe that our differences, debated with mutual respect and a foundation in facts, make us each better-reasoned citizens. With that foundation crumbled, there is only fear of the "other," emotional rhetoric, whataboutism, and blame. None of which lead toward solutions, a growth of intellect, or insight.
All this being said, I'm not an unhappy person. I have the most supportive spouse in the history or supportive spouses who recognized my many-layered exhaustion and did his best to encourage me towards self-care. He is my staunchest ally, even when I am misunderstood or misrepresented. He provided back rubs, a sounding board, a cheering section, and a hug. I re-upped my meditation game. I let go the feelings of inadequacy and hurt, and focused on the positive relationships in my life. I made sure I didn't take any significant drives without a large, icey glass of Diet Coke. And I started writing again, to help myself make sense of the world. I believe in connection, and in the inherent goodness of people. And I believe that as with most seasons, this one will pass and someday I'll have a good night's sleep again.
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