Thoughts on Dreams Deferred

Every day I've slowly been tackling the tedious process of unpacking boxes and settling into our new home. It's slow going since I can only snatch a few minutes here and there in between diaper changes and nursing babies and directing homework/practicing/it's-my-turn-to-have-screen-time after-school traffic. Plus you know it's great to be able to grab a meal for me every blue moon.

A couple of days ago I came across a bin that hadn't been unpacked in the last move we made. Inside was my husband's original Nintendo 64, and a couple of quilts. The one that caught my eye was a vivid pink floral with a yellow border in the fence rail pattern. My mom sewed that quilt for me as a surprise to take with me when I served a mission for my church in college. It was my bedspread until I married my husband a couple years later. I set it aside, intending on saving it for the daughter I planned on having someday.

Fast forward a few years, and I got pregnant with my first baby. I was convinced it was a girl. I always pictured myself having at least one girl--I have a close relationship with my mom and I longed to have that with my own daughter. Twenty weeks into the pregnancy we went to have an ultrasound where we would find out the gender. It was a boy. I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of devastated. I had no idea how to raise a boy. All my dreams of pink and frills and dolls and dress up were put aside and I had to learn all the fun aspects of being a boymom. I went straight from the clinic to the store where I bought a cute onesie and some yarn to knit my future son a blanket. I picked a pattern and began knitting this blanket as a way to connect with my son. When he was born, I wrapped him in this blanket that took me hundreds of hours to make and fell instantly in love.

With each successive pregnancy and twenty-week ultrasound, I would go to the store or order yarn, and make them their own special blanket filled with "hugs." But not once did I get to choose yarn in pinks or purples, all my blessings were little boys. My final pregnancy was with twins, and we were convinced that at least one of them would be a girl. The ultrasound technician almost cringed when she had to break the news that once again, I was carrying all boys. They were number 4 and 5 for our family, and we knew for certain that we would be done after this.

I went through a period of mourning what I would never have. I would never get to take my daughter shopping for her prom dress, or her wedding dress. I would never get to help her with her pregnancies or be there when she gave birth.  I would never get to teach her how to wear makeup, do her hair, or pass down my dolls. I have jewelry that I always planned on handing down to my daughter. But most of all it was the relationship, the best friendship I would never have in quite the same way. I was a little bit heartbroken.

I gave myself a few days, and then I picked out patterns and yarn, and began knitting and planning and picking out names. And of course I fell in love twice over when these two little munchkins arrived. There are only a few moments every so often when I come across something like this quilt where I catch my breath and experience a pang of jealousy for all those moms with daughters, for that experience I will never have.

I am richly blessed in nieces tho. So I texted my sister in law to see if one of her daughters would like my quilt. Because things like this quilt were made to be enjoyed, to be loved, not locked away in some box of regret or lost opportunity. And I went back to my smart, hilarious, adorable flock of boys and counted my riches. They are loud, messy, sensitive, imaginative, caring, talented individuals and I'm so lucky to be their mom.